For the past ten days, I've destroyed myself.

I've been eating eggs in the morning, a few handfuls of mixed nuts throughout the day, and a can of tuna at night.

And I got on the elliptical for an hour straight. Everyday.

And, as it F'ING SHOULD, my scale now says this:

Now if you'll EXCUSE ME. I'm gonna go DRINK SOME F'ING BEER and eat AN ENTIRE F'ING PIZZA.

I’m back from vacation in St. Louis. We had a wine tasting. We drank beer. We got naked and ran through St. Louis streets screaming. And our voices carried a good distance since it was so cold. Good times with family.

We also ate TONS OF FOOD. Roast beef sandwiches from Lion’s Choice. A meatball sub. Chicken Marsala. Cookies. Lots of chocolate. Everything was fattening and filled with carbs. Even the Chicken Marsala was marinated in Kool Aid and wrapped in bacon.

But you know what? I’m not gonna let AAMCO stop me from having a good time. If I did that, AAMCO wins. I’m not letting them win, they STOLE MY CAR.

Ahem. Anyhow, before Amanda and I left, I weighed in at 239.8. Sadly, the morning after our return, our nasty scale showed me something truly gut-wrenching.

248.0.

I reached for my gun, in its usual spot on the bathroom sink, grabbed it and cocked it. I closed my eyes and put the barrel to my temple.

But then Amanda sprang to action, leaping out of bed and knocking the gun from my hand in one spastic motion. "What in the hell are you doing?" she yelled.

I was in a daze, I muttered something about AAMCO and two hundred dollars. Then I started to cry.

Amanda held me and patted my back. "There, there," she said. "You probably have a lot of poop in you. Just get that shit out (then she paused and giggled) and AAMCO won’t get your two hundred bucks."

And I guess she was right, because that was two days ago, and I’m back down to 239.6 as of this morning.

But I’m still 7.6 pounds shy of my goal. And I’ve got ten days left.

Today I did a half hour on our elliptical. Had some fake eggs for breakfast. Handful of mixed nuts as a snack. Sandwich on whole wheat for lunch, apple as a snack. And I just ate a can of tuna for dinner. And three cute little pickles.

Hopefully that’ll do it. Gotta try to lose a pound a day to be safe. I’m almost a little scared to break out the Wii Fit. If I gain muscle over the next week, that could be the difference between 231.9 and 232.1.

It could also be the difference between me being incredibly ecstatic and stuffing my face on February 1^st, or losing $200 to AAMCO, getting horribly depressed, and stuffing my face on February 1^st.

The weight. It's slow going.

For the past two weeks I've eaten nothing but low-fat cheese, protein, mixed nuts and sugar free 'sweets.'

I've been hitting the elliptical. And the elliptical has been hitting me.

But I'm about 12 pounds down. 8 to go. Problem though, I'm driving to St. Louis to visit family in two hours, where I will drink copious amounts of liquor and eat carbohydrates for the first time since New Years.

If I can at the very least maintain the weight I'm at, I'll have 11 days to lose 8 pounds.

And at the rate I've lost weight in the past two weeks, things aren't looking good.

This'll be a photo finish.

So...

Amanda and I started this diet back on December 1st. I had two months to lose 20 pounds, Amanda was to lose 15.

We decided to lose it slowly by making minor adjustments. Cut back on liquor. No stuffing ourselves before bed. Play more Rock Band. That sort of thing.

Well the holidays came and went and... well...

We're a little behind.

I weighed myself last night and found that I had lost about 6 pounds. That means, with twenty days left, I have to lose about 14. I think Amanda needs to lose about 8 or 9.

But that's okay! The holidays are gone. Things are settling down. And we've got a few things up our fat sleeves. We call them 'hell.'

Hell is a combination of weight loss techniques that have worked for us in the past:

South Beach Diet: Phase One. For the next week our diet will consist of veggies, low-fat cheeses, lean proteins, and mixed nuts. No pasta, no candy, no bread, not even fruit. It sounds easy, but by the second day you just want to open up one of your veins.

Wii Fit. It's got Yoga on it. Yoga is no joke. Yoga will slap your mother and shoot your dog.

Elliptical Machine. It's not just for hanging up your clothes anymore.

And that's our hell week. Basically it's diet and exercise. Who'da thunk it? But it's pretty damn intense diet and exercise. Because AAMCO ain't gettin' ma money. And we gots some weight to shed.

It's on.

I love beer. In this picture I'm looking to the heavens and thinking, 'you're all right, dude.'

And that's Amanda's hand. Doesn't she have a cute hand, folks?

I like good beer. My favorites are Dogfish Head (The 60 Minute and 90 Minute Imperial IPAs), Snake Dog, and Gumball Head.

The problem with these delicious bastards... they have about 200-300 calories a piece.

I can't lose much weight when I take down 5 or 8 of these in a night.

So now I've been drinking Miller Lite. And Milwaukee's Best.

I'm a broken man. Damn you AAMCO!

Do you have a car? YOU DO?

Have you ever taken it to a repair shop to have it fixed? YOU HAVE?

Has a repair shop ever kept your car from Memorial Day all the way to Labor day and treated you like crap while you missed work and never offered to get you a replacement car until you threatened their daughters, and then when they gave you a replacement car so you could get to work and it rides like a 60 mph go-kart with no airbags?

No? NEVER HAD THAT?

AAMCO blows. They already got $1,600 bucks of my money. If I don't lose 20 pounds by feb one they get $200 more. And I'll kiss my dog, apparently. Hell, I'll kiss my dog's butt. I'll lick his little anus. While he screams and yelps and writhes around.

Don't make me do it, AAMCO. Haven't you done enough?