Disturbing? Maybe

Calorie Burning? Definitely

Worth the embarrassment? Not a chance

Fitness Mag came up with a list of Madonna's top five workout secrets with the help of celebrity photographer Humberto Carreno. Follow at your own risk.

1. Stick to a time, but be flexible.  

Like clockwork, Madonna leaves her home at 8 a.m. to exercise. Even the morning after a late-night event, she won't skip her workout. "She'll come out later, at 10:30," Carreno says.   

Plus, when you have your own personal, private gym located in your house it's a little harder to say "No, I won't get up and walk down the hall to workout".

Just like her philosophy on men...

When trying to lose weight, most women have the same goals in mind: tone the arms, slim the waist, and do enough sit ups to get Janet-Jackson-at-the-Superbowl abs. The one area where we women seed to differ is in the rear.

While on diets, I have heard friends both complain that they lost their bundunkadunk and that their bum had inflated to inappropriately bootylicious proportions. I’m here to remind you that just like men, there are no perfect posteriors, but that doesn't mean we haven't seen a few delectable derrieres in our day.

In honor of awesome applebottoms, I thought I’d take you through a brief visual history of famous fannies throughout time.

1999: Chris Rock cracked jokes at the MTV Video Music Awards about how Jennifer Lopez’s ass is more famous than she is. It’s five years later and it appears that J-Lo’s bum is still more famous Chris Rock will ever be.

2000: Fashion greats roll over in their graves, as whale tails are coined “the new black”.

2001: Beyonce (and those two other girls she used to make stand on either side of her) coin the term Bootylicious in their hit single of the same name.

2003: Britney Spears poses bottomless on the November cover of Esquire magazine. Looks like K-Fed no longer is the only ass in the picture.

2006: Lindsay Lohan exposes her entire buttox at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. Parents everywhere question whether their children are watching a children’s channel or Skinemax.

2007: She's bringin' sexy crack: Heidi Klum wears a dress to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show after party plunges to new depths, causing fashionistas to ask themselves, are butt cracks the new cleavage?

2008: In 2006 Kim Kardashian backs that ass up onto the celebrity socialite scene. Two years later during an interview, former bff Paris Hilton refers to Kim’s behind as “cottage cheese inside a big trash bag”. Thousands of black men beg to differ.

2009: For those of you who have a flat back that’s totally wack, never fear. Booty Pop undies are here! 

http://www.shopkitson.com/index.php?pageId=2&product_sku=BPP

These cotton panties will add some junk to your trunk, creating a perky posterior for even the most booty challenged bodies.

Hugs & (Hershey) Kisses,

MJ

Actress/Producer/Former out-of-control child star, Drew Barrymore, credits her new bangin' body to a little tongue action - and not the kind you think.

Remember that tongue ring you begged your mom to let you get when you were 15? Well it turns out it can do it a lot more for you than just make giving a BJ tons 'o' fun. 

 

 

"They do it and you're like, 'Oh my God, why would I ever think twice about not doing this; this didn't hurt at all.' And then the guy was like, 'What I didn't tell you is that for, like, two weeks, it's just going to be a little uncomfortable. I couldn't eat, couldn't drink for two weeks - great diet in a weird way."

When I got my tongue pierced in high school all that changed was I ended up posing like Gene Simmons in our family portraits for three consecutive three years before my dad threatened to "rip that thing in your mouth out with pliers." Maybe he would have reconsidered if he new it was just a new form of Jenny Craig...

Hugs and (Hershey) Kisses,

MJ

Post Brought To You By Famewhores, Heidi And Spencer

 Get your orange on! 

...but not like this:

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.”

-Jackie Gleason

"I look a lot bigger on TV," Kim admits. "When I meet people, the first thing they say is, 'Wow, you're so much smaller than I thought.' I look about 15 pounds heavier. I'm only 115 pounds, and everyone thinks I'm like 130 or 140. It's bizarre. I'm a size 2!"

Now excuse me while I go do 7,000 sit-ups.

Belinda Carlisle of the band The Go-Go’s is the latest B-list celebrity to jump on the weight-loss endorsement bandwagon. These days, the “Our Lips Are Sealed” singer will be keeping her lips sealed to all non-Nutrisystem foods.

This might not be the most exciting flaab news of the day, but it does give me an excuse to post this video from The Go-Go’s:

Viva La 80s!!!

Hugs & (Hershey) Kisses,

MJ

"When I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

- Mariah Carey

Hugs & (Hershey) Kisses, Jason!

MJ

I want out!

Here's Kristina Bowden from the hilariously funny television show 30 Rock, making Mary-Kate Olsen look like a total cow.

Hugs & (Hershey) Kisses,

MJ

It's awards season, Flaabers! I don't know about you, but this year I can't get enough of the gorgeous gowns, Mickey Rourke's inconceivable comeback, or Angelina Jolie's losing death stare.

In honor of this celeb-rific part of the year I thought I'd get in on the action with my very own...

MJ’s Flaab Awards

Fittest couple:

Jake Gyllenhall and Reese Witherspoon 

Yoga Body Hottie:

Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls

Fittest Friends:

Lauren and Lo from “The Hills”

Best Body Comeback:

(Before)

(After)

Nicole Richie 

Awesome-est Arms:

Ryan Reynolds

Best Bum:

Jessica Alba

Most Flaab Abs:

David Beckham

Loveliest Legs:

Whitney Port from "The City"

Tightest Tummy:

Kate Hudson

Best Plastic Surgeon:

 Star Jones

Who are your Flaab winners?

Hugs & (Hershey) Kisses,

MJ

Hugs & (Hershey) Kisses,

MJ