So it's about...oooohhh...nine in the am, give or take a few headache filled, queasy stomach minutes, on this Christmas holiday.

Forgive me, Santa, for I have sinned. I got liquored up yesterday and now have what I like to call a Christmas hangover- the result of rum and coke (mind you, I did not say diet coke...I've been a bad, bad girl).

I've also managed to have two medium sized plates of stuffing, mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole with gravy.

Mind you...it's not even NOON yet.

I've also had three pieces of rum cake, two squares of baked pudding, and a partridge in a pear tree (and for anyone who can tell me what the significance is of a partridge in a pear tree is, I will be eternally grateful).

The way I see it now, the rest of Christmas will be spent running damage control...interference if you will. I need to minimize how much food I devour from this moment forward...which I can tell you right now does not look likely.

And I need to figure out how to get rid of this hangover before people start getting wise to my Christmas Eve follies.

But in a nutshell, what I'm trying to get out in a roundabout kind of way is...

Flaaby Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Thou shalt get back on the train.

It's okay to be honest...trying to lose weight is about as easy as licking your elbow.

Trying to lose weight around the holidays is about as easy as licking your elbow while singing "Sweet Caroline."

Face it: holiday cookies necessarily don't come fat free, sugar free, calorie free- so the chances of putting on a couple pounds is likely. That doesn't mean your entire diet has to fall apart. Scarlett O' Hara said it (albiet not about a diet) but tomorrow, after all, really is another day.

So maybe you missed the train, or maybe you got on the train but took an early stop- either way, you can always get back on. Just because you're not on schedule doesn't mean you can't be on time.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....

um...................

I was hungry...and I had waited forever on line at Ross (and we all know what that's like; screaming babies, angry people, screaming babies...)

Did I mention I was hungry? More like starving!

So I was walking back home from Kmart and realized I had nothing in the house to eat...

Did I mention that I spent a lifetime in line at Ross buying gifts for OTHER people...

...So I was walking home, and I had a hot dog...with bacon wrapped around it...

ok, ok, ok...I know...spare me the indignation. I got mine in the end. What happened?

I spilled ketchup all over my 150 dollar white, cashmere top...Did I mention it was cashmere...

...and white?

So yeah...Thank you, God, for that subtle, not so subtle message.

Thou shalt work it!

No matter the weight you are; more to love, less to love, or somewhere in between, never forget to work it. Maybe more attractive than fitting into those skinny jeans once again is confidence...and confidence can come at any size. At each phase of weightloss, at every pound gone, don't forget to be proud of how far you've travelled and where you've gotten.

And in the name of everything that's good and holy, don't forget to flaunt it.

Thou shalt not take it too far...

Our health is the most important thing. And just because you weigh too little to set off the sensors at the grocery store that open the automatic doors, doesn't mean you're healthy. Taking it too far and going to the extreme can dramatically affect your life. It's cost the life of many...too many.

And who wants to date their high school skeleton anyway?

According to this...

I should aim for this...

(funny...she looks like someone I went to high school with: my health class skeleton...ba dum chhh!)

Ahhh...this gives me an idea for Commandment Four of Flaabloss...

I work in a mall. (*shudder*).

It's like being on the Real World when you wanna sober up.

...or hanging out with Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston when you wanna give up crack.

...or going to a Bob Dylan concert when you wanna give up weed.

With Wetzels Pretzels mere meters from my store and See's Candy within smelling distance and an entire food court of greased up burgers and pan fried Asian food within arm's reach- it's no wonder I have a hard time sticking to my diet.

My alternatives are paying 20 bucks for a salad OR bringing my own lunch. But a creature of habit and procrastination, I never find myself with enough time to actually make that healthy, gourmet lunch before I head out the door towards an uncertain fate in retail. Between hitting my snooze button about a gabillion times (yes...gabillion is a real number), crawling into the shower, running to my car- I just can't afford the time.

But I have come up with a fool proof way to make sure that no matter what, I at least won't eat anything that'll make my thighs even more acquainted than they already are.

I won't bring any money.

Thou shalt lean on someone:

I don't care what anyone says. Trying to lose weight can be just as hard as getting over crack...at least for me anyway. It's nearly impossible to do it alone, without even one person in your corner giving you that squirt of water after you've been knocked down a couple times. Newsflash- LOTS of people have at some point in their life either lost weight or are trying to lose weight or have lost it and gained it back so are currently in the process of trying to lose it again- so they can identify with your struggle and help you along your way to flaabloss merriment. So don't be afraid to turn to those you trust for words of encouragement like "You'll undo your whole workout if you have that brownie" or "Have you lost some weight?". They'll help to keep you on the straight and narrow.

(p.s. Don't forget to chime in...it'll be awesome to have a complete list of the Flaaber's Commandments of Flaabloss)

Thou shalt have fun:

It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane processes of losing weight, like counting carbs and foregoing dessert, that we forget how to have fun. It is a fact that people with lower levels of stress find it easier to lose weight. It's good to add a little fun in your workout routine. Don't limit yourself to the treadmill in the gym where the funnest thing you have to look at is CNN on the over head televisions. Try other things like footbal with friends, or ice skating, or rollerblading or bike riding...the list really does go on.

There should be set rules when it comes to FLAABloss. And by rules I don't mean the standards like avoid carbs, eat every four hours, no dinner after 6. There should be rules that serve to save our sanity and give us some perspective. Losing weight is a journey, a journey in which a lot of people (me included) get lost along the way. I think it's important to have rules, commandments if you will, that help us stay on the right track. So to kick it all off, here is Commandment 1 of Flaabloss:

Love Thyself:

Losing weight shouldn't be about trying to conform to some unrealistic, Hollywood born ideal of what beauty is. We're all beautiful in our own unique way, and we should love ourselves no matter what size we are, at every size we are. Losing weight should be more about improving our quality of life and extending that quality of life- not about trying to alter the essence of who we are. At the beginning of our weightloss journey, along the way, and at the end- we should never forget to love ourselves.

(p.s. everyone feel free to chime in on what they think a commandment should be. This is a work in progress.)

It's no surprise that I've caught a cold, because I seem to be able to catch just about anything (except for a guy). In the past, my cold remedies were at best unconventional- and by unconventional I mean apple pies, brownies, cake, oreo cookies...you get the picture. I couldn't be one of the fortunate  people who actually lost their appetite when they get sick. I couldn't be one of those fortunate people who get sick, lose ten pounbs, and look better than ever. No...I had to be the complete opposite.

Well this time I realized that there needed to be a change.

So here is how Day 1 of my Flu Diet went:

7am- awake and don't know why

8am- ate a bowl of honey nut cheerios with light soy milk

9am- watched a re- run of 90210 (it was either that or the news)

10am- contemplated eating a rice krispies bar but thought of the dress I need to fit into by New Years

1pm- revisited the idea of having the rice krispies bar, had a bowl of chicken noodle soup instead

3pm- watched Falalala Lifetime, resented guys who think they're dying when they have a cold

4pm- had yet another bowl of honey nut cheerios

5pm- had hot, multigrain cereal

6pm- resented my decision to forgo the rice krispies bar, but thankful just the same

I was working today and this girl came in with a figure to die for...and I secretly wished her a lifetime of bloating, fat jeans, and thighs that rub together when you walk.

Cruel? I know.

But at that point I had already had one pack of peanut M&M's and a bowl of Ramen Noodles ( with enough salt to rival the Dead Sea). There are some days when I'm doing great...I have no need to attack every known item in the snack aisle at the grocery store...in fact, I don't even need to go down the snack aisle. Then there are other days when everything in my shopping cart is from the snack aisle.

So after the girl with the perfect figure left, I decided to take a ten minute break...walk around the mall, check out the sales, look at all the clothes that I would like to look good in. Then I see this guy with a pituresque slice of pepperoni pizza, the cheese practically dripping it. I imagined pushing him down the escalator and grabbing that slice of pizza before he plummeted to his untimely demise.

Harsh? I know.

But grrrrrrrrrrr...sometimes it's just maddening! Why can't I just be skinny? Why can't I just be okay with starving myself? Or at least making myself throw up? I know, I know...I wouldn't do those things anyway. The hunger pains would kill me if I starved myself and vomitting would ruin my teeth and make my breath smell like...well, vomit.

Sigh...I'll just have to buck up and lose weight the old fashioned way.

Thanks for letting me rant.

I now know where it all started. Sorry, Grandma, but the gig's up.

There was always something special about my Grandma's apartment in Brooklyn- back in a day where it was safe to ride my hot pink bike after dark. The summers were humid but filled with endless days of running after the ice cream truck or sitting on someone's porch steps exchanging horror stories that were at the least embellished.

My grandma was THAT Brooklyn grandma- I'm talking stale candy in a bowl, plastic on the couches, finish your plate before you get up from the table kinda grandma.

The latter was my undoing. I would spend hours...I mean HOURS at her table, looking up at her picture of the Last Supper and wondering if Jesus had to clear his plate too. There were children starving in South America- that's what they told me. What those kids had to do with me, I never knew. All I knew is that somehow if I finished all my food, maybe they wouldn't starve.

And that's where it all began...the over eating I mean. To this day every morsel of every bite on my plate must be gone before I can feel eased enough from guilt to put the plate away.

It's called "Empty Plate Syndrome" and boy do I have it bad. What I have learned is that if I can manage to somehow, just somehow, put half of the portion on the plate, I may be able to rid myself of this "Empty Plate Syndrome".

Just for your information, the average person burns about 20 calories per 15 minutes of watching tv. So that's 40 calories burned while watching Family Guy plus the 15 burned from laughing during Family Guy which equals 55 calories total.

I suggest watching any movie my worst enemy has been in. That's 160 calories burned while watching and another 50 burned from laughing at his pathetic attempt at acting.

Such classy penguins...

I got an email today with some quotes about weightloss. Seems like everyone wants to give their two cents on my battle with the bulge.

I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most diets. - Dolly Parton

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West

I walk into work and what upon my wondering eyes do see??

Why Snickers, and Pay Days, and chocolate- Oh my!

Why does it seem that when I'm trying to finally make the effort to lose weight, the world is against me? So yeah, the universe doesn't revolve around me...but it's making damn sure I stay overweight and bloated.

The finance department that handles my company's paychecks sent us Payday candy bars (they think they're so funny) as a little Christmas bonus. What I think they can do is shove those Paydays where the sun don't shine. Thanks for the gesture, but no thanks.

A little harsh, I know. But being hungry makes me irritable. And these days I seem to be hungry ALL THE TIME.

And as if to rub it in my face even further, a See's Candy sales person came over with a gift bag of chocolate where just smelling it makes you gain 10 pounds. And my boss thought it was oh just so funny to wave the chocolate in my face knowing very well that I'm trying to lose weight. And knowing very well that chocolate happens to be one of weaknesses. Along with peanut butter...

and oreos

and skittles

and gummi bears

I need to get a handle on myself.