I am now writing as a proud and successful Flaaber. This has been such a great and fun way to lose weight, my hatred for Natalyia proved to be the last little push I needed to really take action. I'm so pleased with the way I look now (and so is boyfriend, though he loved me even when I was flaabbier) For all of you who still have a deadline, just know that you can do it too! 

 I'm eagerly awaiting my deadline! My moment of triumph draws near.

 I have just one week left before my goal, and I've made it already, plus one! Go me! All I have to do now is not eat pizza or sticks of butter all week and my 100 doll-hairs are safely mine once again! I'm going to use it as part of a down payment on this totally amazing 1960's black and white round bar for my house. Money well spent I think.

 I disappeared for awhile, things were hectic and not so great. Anyway, I'm just days away from my goal and I feel great. 

 And I'm jet-lagged. I'm pretty amazed that I lost that much, on my vacation no less. I'll have to post a pretty picture of me in Venice, but right now I have to get ready for my Russian class.

The last day in April is judgement day, and I've been working my now smaller butt off. I think the best thing about losing weight is fitting back into clothes. I have a large collection of vintage dresses ranging from the 30's to the 60's, and there are alot that I've missed. Opening my closet is almost like shopping, I pull out a dress that made me cry the last time I tried it on (because it WOULDN'T ZIP UP weep weep weep) But this time around, it fits!!! Right now I'm going to the gym for an hour everyday, I've discovered that it's really not that hard to do. However, on Friday I'm going on a spring break trip to Italy... I will have to do ALOT of walking because I'm so not going to be the girl who picks at her food in Italy. 

By the way, I crave this:

It's a clear plastic Chanel briefcase, for y'know , important stuff.

 Download this app immediately if not sooner! It's free, and it's called 'Lose It!' You can choose how many lbs to lose per week  (.5, 1, 1.5, 2) and based on your age, gender and height, it gives you a calorie allowance. Then you can add foods by entering data yourself or searching for food names, brands and restaurants. Then there's the list of exercises; everything from the normal stuff like walking, sex and circuit training to polo, luge and orienteering. I don't know what orienteering is, but apparently doing it for an hour burns 564 calories. Maybe I'll become the world's best orienteerer or something. Anyway, I figured I'd share this great little piece o' technology with my fellow flaabers. My iPhone is remains my best friend in the whole wide world.

 Today was my dad's 61st birthday. And oh god did we eat, birthdays are treacherous. I actually managed to stay fairly on target, except for a microscopic slice of cake... And some mango ice cream, but just a spoonful... And alot of prosecco. Blargh

 Is smaller! Huzzah!!! I'm another inch closer to being able to fit into my 24/25 waisted dresses once again. Should I celebrate with chocolate? Yes yes yes....no, just chai with almond milk and purevia.

More inspiration came my way last night. My boy's ex-girlfriend (who moved out of their house without a word and scampered off to Brooklyn with his good friend) called at 3am screaming and crying about how much she hates the guy she ran off with and ranted and raved about how horrible her life was now. I'm not a jealous girl, but seriously, don't call your ex-boyfriend that you ran out on after three years and expect sympathy. Did I mention that she's a model? Fuel to the fire, fuel to the fire.

 Last week, our heroine had decided to invite another girl to live with her and her family.

     As I've said before, I think girls are a little weird/neurotic whatever. Nataliya turned out to be the epitome of everything bad that's ever been said about women ever. She was/is a two-faced, manipulative, flirt-with-your-boyfriend-in-front-of-you double double bitchface slutbucket. She also has the most shallow taste in men ("he has to have a car, be hot and buy me things" direct quote) and and and... Seriously, fill in the blanks, she's like a Mad-Lib of suck.                                                                                                                

 Anyway, the three months pass and she's gone! Hurrah! I forgot about her for a year. And then, one day, my dad (who is probably way nicer than me) HIRES her to work in his office. He feels bad for her because she flunked out of Texas State after one year. For those of you who don't live in the Austin area, you pretty much have to be drunk or naked or both all the time to flunk out of the school. She's been there ever since, much to the dismay of me and my sister. She is openly rude to us whenever we visit our dad or try to help out at the office. For example: My sister is one of those girls that loses weight when she is stressed/something bad happens. After my sister's engagement went awry she said "Liz, you look thinner...are you not eating again?" I almost decked her.                                                                                                                                                                                      

 Here are some pictures from her Facebook so that you all can see why I really really really really really don't want her to get $100 from me.

Did you know my dear fellow Flaabers, the in addition to fake fingernails, you can get fake TOENAILS? By the way, this is what she wears to work. At a law office.

For the good of womankind, I must persevere and defeat her by any means necessary. 

 That was today. A 24 hour gym just opened right down the street from my house. I bravely drove down, lost my nerve, took down the number on the banner and then called. I went in, took the nickel tour and signed my chubby self up. I have promised to give them money every month for a year in order to use their hi-tech intimidating machinery. I've never been part of a gym (I've been more of a long walks girl) so my anthropological curiosity has been piqued.

Tonight I am going to this thing ^^^^^ with my boy. I wonder how many calories I will burn standing around and watching people dance.

 Her name is Nataliya. I hate her. Here's a little backstory.

      We met in high-school, I was a sophomore and she was a senior. I'm not really big on girls and being friends with them, but she seemed ok. I figured we could be school buddies, y'know the person you wave to in the hallway and chit chat with after school. Unfortunately, our lives were destined to be intertwined forever. Destiny, or some pretty hardcore ingratiation. Her parents (from the old country) were moving to Minnesota halfway through the year. If she moved with them, the differing state public school requirements would mean that little Nat would have to do another year to graduate.

I kindheartedly (re: stupidly) suggest that she stay with my family, it was only 2 months. She could finish school here and graduate in time. Plus, she'd get Texas residency which would make tuition way more affordable. We weren't the best of friends, but clearly, this girl was in need and I was in a position to help. However, things did not go well, in fact, things went horrendously very very quickly.

Stay tuned!

 I went to Terror Tuesday as always (https://www.originalalamo.com/Signature.aspx?id=73) and I felt a deep deep need for Sour Patch Kids. I ordered some, I ate about half and now I feel all sick.  

                                                                                                                                                                     Like This But In My Greedy Mouth

This reminds me of a story about my childhood: When I was about 8 years old I asked my mom how a person knows when they're a grown-up. She replied: "When you eat lots of candy and it just makes you feel sick." Too true, too true. Thanks mom!

 I've been doing pretty well recently, I only have two weaknesses: bread+butter+honey and licorice. Maybe it's because it matches all of my clothes, but licorice (the real stuff, not that red fakey fake junk) is the one thing I will never not eat. Which is fine, because I don't eat processed food, fast food, drink soda or eat any other candy. (Nice justification huh?) But what about a healthier snack? I have a few standbys: Laughing Cow Light with celery, baby carrots with raspberry vinegar and cucumbers with chili powder and lemon juice. Crunchy foods relieve stress, and vegetables are oh so good for you. Plus, none of those treats make my teeth black. In the time took me to write this, the snack attack ended. Ahh, willpower.

 I have a serious and distracting dislike for Coach monogrammed anything. There's just something about a fake blonde with fake nails and a fake tan wearing UGGS and a miniskirt with a ponytail and those irritating C's that really gets me. I believe that monogrammed bags are a little tacky in the first place (don't you want a bag that has lovely lines pleasing to the eye instead of one that's covered with the letters of someone else's last name?) This combined with the ultra mega overexposure of Coach everything basically guarantees that I spend several moments each and every day mildly irritated that some girl bought a Coach monogrammed handbag just so that everyone will know she has a Coach handbag. Oh subtlety, where are you buried?

Seriously, there are more flavors of these than there are fat cells in the human body.

I admit, I have a thing for handbags, but not a single one of mine is a loudmouth. 

 I've had a fairly bad cold since Thursday and I've lost a couple pounds. My arms are slimmer and I feel lighter all over. Oh, if only I could bear to eat two different kinds of soup and a piece of toast when I wasn't in bed watching movies all day. Unfortunately, I have to go to school, and learning Russian requires serious protein.

 I've been very busy. My big sister moved to Washington D.C. for work, so naturally we made the move in a super fun sister bonding road trip through the South. We left Austin and drove through Louisiana, Alabama, Florida (to visit friends of my sister's), Alabama again, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina and Virginia before arriving at my aunt's townhouse. We stopped along the way, went to weird museums and did lots of sight seeing. Considering that I was on the road for over a week, I ate very well. I opted for lots of salads and fish, but did eat some bbq. I cannot help that, I am from Texas, it is in my DNA or something.          

When I arrived home from my awesome yet exhausting journey, I started school again. Well, it's pretend school. You see, I spent my first two years of college at a very very respectable academic institution. I got homesick and people sick so I left, with the idea that I would transfer somewhere closer to home. Long story short, my school has a very different program (www.sjcsf.edu) and less than half of my credit hours would transfer. So here I am at ACC (Austin Community College) making up basic courses. I don't like it very much, except for my Russian class, but it's great for my GPA.                        

 I am currently sick which is nice because my appetite is gone, but is also lame because well, I'm sick and missing my friend's DJ set and I don't get to see my fellow either. It does give me time to read even more than I already do, right now it's some Proust and a biography of Tesla. Ah yes, I also lost both of my little jobs. My mistake in working for local, small businesses in this economy. Drat.

Ok, I've presented as dry as toast update, and tomorrow I will write all about my attempt at joining a gym. That is, if I'm not too sick to venture into a brightly lit building full of guys named Chip and Biff and teeny toned girls that somehow have larger breasts than me. Eww-Yea!

 So, last night was New Year's Eve, which I'm pretty sure everyone is aware of. Aside from drinking one of those little 720mL bottles of Grey Goose, I totally stuck to my 'eating plan' (how's that for a rad euphemism?) So I went to a dance party with the rest of Austin aged 17-25 and had fun fun fun. Except one little thing: these jackasses spent their evening throwing firecrackers into the crowd. I got hit a few times; my hand, neck, nose and oh MY EYE. Luckily I wasn't blinded, but I have a welt on my neck. Such is life.

Some people (the sensible ones) dodged or at least attempted to dodge these flying explosives if one landed nearby. Other people (boys boys boys) decided to STEP ON THEM. 

 Here is a picture that I took of some dude stepping on something with gunpowder in it as it was exploding. I had to crop it wayyyy down, so it's kind of grainy, but you get the idea.

Anyway, Happy New Year everyone.