as if i wasnt depressed enough about this whole not losing weight thing, i have the added agony of knowing im turning a quarter of a century old. :-(  (thats 25, for those who don't like fractions).

older, but none the wiser.

the stress of quarter-life, (and quarter-life crisis) are catching up to me.  im no longer going to be in the "young adult" category.  i will officially be a full-fledged adult.  i just dont know if im ready for that kind of responsibility!  i mean, i still make political statements on my socks,

(exhibit A)

i still run to my bed after turning the light off for fear of things that go bump in the night,

and i still have dreams of one day becoming a fairy princess ballerina.

im just not cut out for this "adult" nonsense...

-le sigh-

the fire department for working out at the same gym as her, at the same time as her!

the TVs were so far away, so im glad you were there to give me something to watch. :-D

ok, so, much to my dismay, the holidays made me slack it.  big time.  a re-cap of my holiday events:

DISNEYLAND

screaming and laughing simultaneously whilst taking a photograph in the dark: ehhh, i'm going to guess that burned at least 10 calories.

delcious but deadly disneyland food consumed: churro, french fries, sprite

i then decided to resort to aladdin's magic lamp.

*note to fellow bloggers, readers, weight loss aficionados*  WISHING for weight loss apparently doesn't work.

stupid lamp.

Then comes NEW YEARS EVE...big oops.

It all started with...

it ended with...

 what's that black thing bunched up on the floor next to the broken glasses and spilled drinks?  if you guessed someone's granny panties, you're RIGHT!  (no, tbey're not mine.  i always wear my fancy underoos for special events!)  but yes, someone did decide to leave their panties in the past.  perhaps they wanted to start the new year fresh, in every respect.

IN OTHER NEWS...

i'm starting to panic. I've only lost about 5 pounds.  considering the amount of time i've been doing this now, (albeit, not to the best of my abilities), and the the amount of time i have left to meet my goal, i think it's safe to say i'm royally FUDGED.

ugh.  no more fudge.

anthony bourdain, for the money i'm afraid you just might win, i hope you're forced to eat a dung beatle.  straight from the dung itself!

ok forces that be, you owe me a better 2009!  lets start with this weight loss thing, ok?  OK!

GET SICK!

I haven't eaten in 2 days!  and any morsel i have attempted to eat has resulted in an up-chuck reflex. 

boo: sickness

yay: weightloss

That's right kids and kidettes!  You too can burn calories without even stepping on a treadmill!

THE SECRET???

Overhear a ridiculously bad conversation by men in muscle shirts.

I was at the gym, doing the stationary bike, minding my own beeswax.  Out of nowhere these two guys next to me start talking shop.  This was the exact conversation...verbatim:

Guy 1: So wassup wit-cher girl, foo?

Guy 2: MAN!  She f*ckin' crazy dude!  She wants to go to the Marriott.  I'm like, f*ck that!

Guy 1: HAHA!

Guy 2: Fa real, foo!  You know what the difference is between a Motel 6 and a Marriott?  A Motel 6 is for F*CKING!  I don't need no damn garden view at the Marriott to do it neither!

Guy 1: F*ck dude!

Guy 2: I'm serious foo!  My girl be like, "I want this room with the view and the nice bed and sh*t..."  I don't need no f*cking mint on my pillow!  I just wanna f*ck on that bed!  I don't need to spend money for a stupid candy on the pillow, you know what I'm sayin'?

Guy 1: HAHA yeah man!  You can give her a tic-tac after you're done or something!

Guy 2: I give her somethin' else too!  *pelvic thrust*

Guy 1: AHAHAHA!  Sh*t man!

*High-five, fist-bumb*

The best part was that they were talking so non-chalantly, as if that conversation was meant to be heard by all of us gym patrons.  No wait, the best part was the pelvic thrust.  Definitely.

Exercise: stationary bike

Calories burned: 364, plus an additional 50 from me laughing in their stupid faces.

Stay classy, California!

Which one scares you more???

OR

I'm going with the delicious, deep-fried onion rings.  Ugh. 

Food-1

Sweta-0

I've endured two weeks of this drudgery, and what have I got to show for it??  3 pounds.  THREE lousey pounds!  I really need to stop watching shows like The Biggest Loser, where every week they're dropping ridiculous amounts of weight.  It's false encouragement, dammit!  Here I am, working my arse off and all I've lost is 3 pounds?!?!?!  There's no justice in this world!

I think I need Jullian Michaels to come kick my ass.

Look at her.  She totally could.  Unless I sat on her first.

Ok gods of weight loss...I'm begining to question my faith in you.  I might start becoming a believer in...SCIENCE! 

DUN-DUN-DUN!

A song (to be sung to the tune of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing")

A George Foreman Grill

Waiting for a belly to fill

It comes in travel size to take an-y-where

Just a kitchen toy

Used for a little cooking joy

It comes in travel size to take an-y-where

A boxer in a locker room

The smell of sweat and his career doom

An infomercial stops his plight

It plays on and on and on (past midnight)

Burgers

Chicken

Even vegetarian

There's fajitas

Pa-ni-nis tooooooo

Sausage

Hotdogs

Savor every little bite

There's a recipe

for ev-er-y niiiiiiighttttt

(Chorus)

Don't stop from eating

Just knock out all things fattening

Lean, mean

Griiiiiillling MACHINEEEEEEE

George Foreman Grill v. Anthony Bourdain...TKO

"...and I don't even know youuuuuu....take me in your arms, fill me with all of your charms..."

Sing it, Delfonics, sing it.

Too bad I drank the red one first.  It was all downhill from there... :-/

Damn you, stoplight shot.  Damn you all to hell.

I decided to actually wear THIS shirt to the gym:

It was:

1. Completely humiliating.  I didn't realize how hard it was to actually wear it in public and not manage to throw myself under a bus.

2. Annoying to have random strangers attempt to serenade me at the gym.  OK.  I get it.  You know the song.  But, I don't know you, and I don't want to know anyone who sings Frankie Goes to Hollywood songs to random strangers while they elliptecise.  Last I checked this wasn't Cardioke!  (Leave that to Billy Blanks' son).

 That's right.  Billy Blanks, creator of the Tae Bo phenomenon, has passed the torch to his son, Billy Blanks Jr., who has taken the wonderful world of fitness fun one step beyond and created CARDIOKE!  An exercise program where you dance AND sing to burn even more calories!!!

-sigh-  It's just as pathetic, if not more pathetic than the short-lived "Latin" dance-craze:

Spare me.

As far as meals go...

Breakfast: None.  I know.  For shame!

Lunch: Tomater soup!  While the soup was delectable, I hardly think it was worth $9.  Damn pertenteous, hipster LA restaurant owners.  I curse you and your future nose jobs!

Dinner: the Jarad diet!  mmmm, stale, cracked wheat bread and veggies that have been sitting in a plastic bin all day long.

Subway...Eat...Fresh?

Mr. Bourdain, while you feast on delicious, exotic cusine, I am subjected to this.

Day 2: December 2, 2008

Lunch: A bowl of vegetarian chili beans.  Sure, it looked like dog food, but it tastes like dog food with some spice!  YUMMERS!

Dinner: Veggie Teriyaki Rice Bowl

The tangerine slices threw me off a bit, but otherwise t'was delicious!

So, my method of losing weight is relatively conventional…for now.  Ask me again in a few days and I might be singing a different tune.  (Dr. 90210, anyone?  Just kidding.  Sorta.)  The plan is to become a gym rat.  Not so much muscle shirt wearing, “bodybuilder” gym rat, but more like cute, 80s, Jazzercise gym rat.  You know, the ones that wore the shiny spandex with the really big belts and really cared about working out?  (Since pretty much every music video of the 80s took place inside a gym).  And the thong unitard!  No 80s workout was complete without it.  Ok, sans the unitard.  Butt floss while working out can really only hurt me at this point.

And the Workout begins...kinda...

Dumbbell v. Remote Control: A Comparative Study...

Conclusion: Remote controls are far less heavy and far more fun than dumbbells.

Constipated? 

Just use a Thigh Master!  (Kudos, Suzanne Somers!  A Fine product indeed!)

Aww yeah!  wrist of steel...?

I feel like the Bionic Woman!

Actually, i DID go to the gym.  Managed to run for 10 minutes on the treadmill.  (Pathetic, I know.  I blame the nosy lady next to me who kept looking over, trying to read my screen.  Get your own screen, woman!)  Actually did 30 minutes on the stationary bike at level 8, set on "random hill."  Random, shmrandom!  I knew exactly when and where the tough peaks were coming.  Cooled down for 10 minutes on the elliptical machine.  Proceeded to do arm weights, and royally got my ass kicked by the bench press.

(Note to self: Must work on G.I. Jane one-armed push-ups to improve upper body strength, and overall badass image).

(Second note to self: Must first work on regular, non-girlie push-ups before attempting superbad G.I. Jane push-ups).

R.I.P. chips and soda

1984-2008

...You will be missed :'(

Day 1: December 1, 2008

I think it all started when my mom decided to feed her pregnant belly three slices of cheese pizza a night.  Nine months later she delivered a whopping ten pound watermelon-shaped baby.  My mom somehow managed to drop the baby weight.  Twenty-four years later, however, and I STILL manage to look like a watermelon.  Ugh.

Alright kids and kidettes, here I am…on a mission.  (Yes, I know.  Famous last words).    The goal?  Dropping 20 pounds.  The deadline?  March 1^st!  The consequences of not losing the weight?  I owe Anthony Bourdain $30 big ones! 

Ugh.  Just look at him.  So smug, with his perfect meal, and his perfect chopsticks.

Yowza!  And, I am officially vegetarian now.

So, why $30?  Because that is just enough to buy oneself a savory meal.  Why Anthony Bourdain?  Because I loathe him.  Don’t get me wrong.  He’s witty, and charming with that little twinge of badass, which I love.  But, he gets paid to TRAVEL and EAT and he looks like he never gains an ounce.  (As seen in the picture above).  Let me reiterate.  He gets MONEY to TRAVEL and EAT.  Yeah, I do that everyday and all I have to show for it is a huge gut and a gasoline bill up the wazoo!  Do I need a better reason to hate someone???  Didn’t think so.  So, Mr. Bourdain, if I lose, the Travel Channel can save a pretty penny, and your next meal (in which ever beautiful, exotic country your heart desires), is on me. 

Perhaps you can team up with Rachael Rey on $40 A Day and still have ten bucks left for a pack of smokes…

So, let’s get down to business, shall we?

Pulse: Check.

Dad’s old Rocky-inspired track suit jacket circa 1978: Check.

Homer Simpson Sweat Band: Check.

Giant Mutant Carrot: Check.

Oh, one more thing.  A last minute prayer, since a little divine intervention never hurt anyone.

Lords of weight loss and makers of delicious fried foods: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot eat, the courage to change the things I do eat, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ok!  Here we go!