#1. Oh, please. You already know how to lose weight.
#2. You've been on five, six, forty different
diets---right? You know what de-flaabs your
carcass waaaay better than Auntie Eeee and
Kenneth. So forget these tips.
Do what works for you.
#3. Eat everything, just not a lot.
#4. Go through your kitchen and throw out all
the boring people. (When you're bored you get fat as
a porpoise.)
#5. Don't use "exercise" to flog yourself
when you're "bad." No wonder you
hate it.
#6. Stand up when you boff someone.
You'll be thin as a lettuce leaf in a month.
#7.Also stand-up straight. You'll look five pounds slimmer.
#8. Stay off those hideous "diet websites." They
make you tubby two ways A) They're PACKED with mouth-
watering pictures and recipes for "delectable" food which will
cause you to salivate like a doberman eying a T-bone.
And, B) the multitude of voluminous people running around these
sites like fat young dogs is just sooooooo depressing you're forced
to shove a can of Betty Crocker Deluxe Frosting down your
throat after glancing at three profiles.
#9. Drink. At least one glass of red wine a day.
#10. Sleep. When you're tired you eat like a porkhog.
#11. Fart. Being gassy makes you feel annoyed . . .
but full.
#11 (a). Snack. Do it all day long: little healthy-veggie-
fruity-nutty-grainy-seedy-snackie-poos. It will cut down on
the lame-brained binging.
#12. Be friends with skinny people. According to
The New England Journal of Medicine, fat spreads like
a virus. When one person becomes obese, close friends have
a 57% chance of being obese too. Soon you're all galloping
around like a herd of wild boar.
#13. Bet money on yourself. According to
The Washington Post economists have recently proven that
giving yourself a financial reward will help you "lose significant weight.”
#14.Don't keep anything really good to eat in the house.
#15.Forget all the water. Water won't help you lose. Instead, drink
a glass of skim milk, jump rope for six minutes, and I guarantee you won't
want to eat a thing for frakken hours.
Now, darlings, draw up your own 15 de-Flaabers and post them on
your blog. We are all excited to read them!
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