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Does anyone ever believe the staggering tripe appearing in the "about" sections on websites?
Well, darlings, this tripe is 96.7% true.
Once upon a time, Kenneth Shaw, a young man of fashion, and E. Jean Carroll, a doddering advice columnist for Elle, were eating a one-gallon tub of popcorn lathered in panther sweat (i.e. fake butter) and watching the X-Files at the old-timey Warwick Drive-In movie in upstate New York. In between handfuls of the brutal corn, they kicked around ideas about how to buy and sell people's flab on the Internet.
Suddenly an idea struck: What would happen if people bet big $$$ on themselves to lose weight; and if they didn't drop the pounds, Kenneth and E. Jean would send their cash to their worst enemy?
"Total humiliation," said Kenneth, smiling.
Needless to say, Kenneth is a recent Stanford grad in economics.
"And people will do almost anything to avoid being humiliated----right?" said E. Jean, wiping the grease from her chin with her shirt sleeve. "Even
drop weight?"
"Well, fear of being humiliated drives the traders on the world's stock markets," said Kenneth, "almost
as powerfully as their pursuit of money."
"So," screeched E. Jean, spilling her coke
on Kenneth's Frisbee shoes, "we're combining the two massively supreme incentives: Money and Humiliation." And
BOOM! Flaab.com was born.
So here's the deal: You lay down a wad of cash, you say how many pounds you want to lose and the date by which you will lose them. Then if you don't drop the pounds, the money goes to your worst enemy. Of course, if you do lose the weight, you get your money back. And the most delicious part? Whichever of your friends catch you on your deadline day will get a portion of your $$$ if you don't reach your goal.
To the right is one of the letters to Ask E. Jean which appeared in Elle and which launched Flaab.com. Click here to get started!
XOXO,
Kenneth and E. Jean
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DEAR E. JEAN: My husband and I have been married one year and we’re very much in love. What’s the problem? We’re getting fat and we blame each other! Instead of the Freshman 15, we’ve each put on the Newlywed 15 in less than a year. We’ve tried dieting together; but we fall back into bad eating habits during times of stress or celebration. My husband is a fan of the low-carb diet; I don’t think a life without carbs is worth living. He likes lifting weights and running; I prefer yoga. It’s impossible! |
But no matter what E. Jean, we’re too attractive to let ourselves go! I haven’t been feeling as confident as I used to, and this affects our marriage in more ways than one. When I feel badly about myself I can’t give my husband the attention he deserves. We should be feeling frisky and sexy, not flabby and irritable! Help! ----Fat and Unhappy in Houston
E.JEAN TO HOUSTON: Darling, I’d like to see you and your husband try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this. (I’m a moron for not thinking of this idea years ago, but after a serendipitous meeting with a handsome young economist, Kenneth Shaw, just out of Stanford, we created a website where you get lean as a lettuce leaf.)
Yes, and to make absolutely certain you don’t “fall back into bad eating habits” the note I’m sending to the ex-girlfriend (along with your money) will say you’re such a delightful dingbat that you want her----the ex-girlfriend----to take your husband out to dinner because you’re no longer feeling “frisky and sexy” and can’t lose fifteen pounds. (By the by, the note I’d be sending to your ex-boyfriend because your husband can’t lose the pounds is even more entertaining.)
Of course, you’ll get the money back if you do lose the weight. Not that you’ll be able to look at food again. And if there are no exes in the case, you can name a horrid ex-boss, a mean girl from high school, or a nasty political group like Kill the Whales.
So let’s do it. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has wasted everyone’s bread long enough! You can help feed the world’s hungry by stipulating that the United Nations Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down. Kenneth Shaw, the Stanford guy, has made the site so simple (no hogwash! no bilge!) it’s practically Google-esque.
You can also do Flaab.com on your own or in competition with your husband. And there’s no cheating. You provide the names of friends, and whomever catches you on your weigh-in day, gets a portion of the cash if you miss your goal. And best of all? You can maintain your svelte self by stipulating the cash goes to your husband’s ex (or the guy who stole your promotion, etc) if you gain a pound back. Enjoy! |
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